


birthdays, books, and the sheriff's secret police

by dryadfiona



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Birthday Presents, Books, Knives, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-09
Updated: 2016-05-09
Packaged: 2018-06-07 08:43:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6797137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dryadfiona/pseuds/dryadfiona
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are a lot of weird laws in Night Vale.</p>
            </blockquote>





	birthdays, books, and the sheriff's secret police

**Author's Note:**

  * For [tinybirbfriend](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tinybirbfriend/gifts).



> sydney why am i always writing weird fics for you

An incomplete list of laws from certain places in the US: 

  * It is illegal to undress in front of a man's portrait.
  * It is illegal to have an ice cream cone in your back pocket.
  * It is illegal to bathe a donkey in a bathtub.
  * It is illegal to own a book.



That last one is the only one that's present in Night Vale. (Presumably.)

Carlos, having been absorbed in both  _science_ and birthday preparations, had forgotten.

That was why he was truly confused when Cecil, having been totally normal (for Cecil) up until this point, suddenly started going absolutely apeshit.

Carlos had just been to Barnes & Noble sometime ago and seen the book. Was it Barnes & Noble? It seemed like one, except for how the walls shook and the books hissed as you walked past. He'd figured it was just a Night Vale quirk.

"Look," Carlos began. "I just wanted to get Kevin a present."

Kevin, who had been happy receiving the book ( _A History of Knives and Swords,_ because Carlos knew Kevin was a nerd and also incredibly violent), was now glaring at Cecil. "He got me a  _lovely_ gift, Cecil. I don't understand why you're so annoyed."

Cecil made a noise not unlike that of an upset cat. "Forgive me for not accepting your  _flagrant disregard for the law_ just because it's in present form!"

"But I got it at Barnes & Noble! Here! Wouldn't it have been shut down if it was illegal to buy books?" Carlos protested.

Cecil's face darkened. "They've tried."

"Okay, anyway," Kevin said. "It's a wonderful gift. What are you going to do, anyway? Report us?"

Cecil rolled his eyes. "No. But I still think you should ritualistically burn it."

\--

_"Welcome to Night Vale."_

Carlos was listening to both of hos boyfriends' shows while tinkering with some random device one of his scientists had found out in the desert. Cecil was talking about the PTA and Kevin was beginning an editorial.

_"Well, listeners. Yesterday was an eventful day! As you all know, it was my birthday,"_ Kevin said cheerfully.  _"My boyfriend, Carlos, got me a lovely present. And my other boyfriend, Cecil, tried to keep us safe by insulting that present. Bless his heart."_

Oh, God.

_"Sorry, listeners, but a brief interjection. Aren't bad boys cute? The way they just...ignore the law. Not the ones who don't understand it, that's different...like Carlos, necessarily. If he ever did break the law. But, you know. Anyone else who just didn't care. That's attractive and_ definitely  _not putting us in danger."_

They were going to be insufferable at Date Night tonight.

\--

"We'd like to speak to you," the new sheriff says.

Carlos closes the door and turns to his boyfriends. "This," he begins. "Is your fault."

Neither of the two say "he started it", so Carlos considers this a victory.

"What do we do?" Kevin asks. He's still smiling, but he's clearly anxious on top of that.

Carlos is inclined to agree. He's lived here for ages, but he's not comfortable around the Sheriff's Secret Police. Especially since he has, technically, broken the law.

Cecil sighs. "Let me handle this."

Carlos and Kevin look at each other and shrug. It's not like either of them have any ideas.

They can hear Cecil and the sheriff talking. Cecil's voice is calm, even when the sheriff's voice gets higher and more aggressive.

A few minutes later, Cecil walks in. "We can keep the book."

"Wait, seriously?" Carlos asks. "I thought we were just aiming for avoiding re-education."

"What'd you say?" Kevin asked.

"Something about talkihg to Dana about it. He decided it wasn't worth the hassle over one book. It's not like it's a library book." Cecil turns to Carlos. "It... _isn't_ a library book, right?"

"Of course!" Carlos says. "I might love you two, but I'm not willing to risk my mind and soul for a birthday present."


End file.
